I am having a crisis. An actual fucking crisis. I can't breathe and I'm shaking oh shit.
As you probably don't know, I have for many years aspired to be a midwife. I was rejected from four out of five of my university choices (yes, I am that bad at interviews) and I thought that I was very likely going to be rejected from my last one. Until I just got an offer from them.
The fucking brilliant thing is, I have spent all day considering the reality of the job and what that would mean to me (and to others). Meeting one or two new people a day drains me, so what will I be like in a hospital with hundred of people I have never seen before in my life? Not to mention the fact that I will have peoples' lives in my hands on a daily basis and fuck, I can hardly handle my own life sufficiently. I would not struggle with the science and technicalities of the job - that's the easy bit - and until recently I had sort of ignored all the people stuff that I would have to learn about to be a good midwife.
The thing is, when I told my mum about wanting to be a midwife she was thrilled. As someone very much involved with maternity studies, she was so excited that I wanted to follow in her footsteps (although not directly) and I really really don't want to break it to her that midwifery might not be for me.
I still have a month to decide what I'm going to do, but I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I might just be having doubts. This might be over by tomorrow. Fuck I wish someone could just give me a sign to tell me what would be best.
I apologise for my atrocious English, but at the moment it's difficult enough to type without having to think about the word vomit I'm producing.