Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Dear Internet,

I am having a crisis. An actual fucking crisis. I can't breathe and I'm shaking oh shit.

As you probably don't know, I have for many years aspired to be a midwife. I was rejected from four out of five of my university choices (yes, I am that bad at interviews) and I thought that I was very likely going to be rejected from my last one. Until I just got an offer from them.

The fucking brilliant thing is, I have spent all day considering the reality of the job and what that would mean to me (and to others). Meeting one or two new people a day drains me, so what will I be like in a hospital with hundred of people I have never seen before in my life? Not to mention the fact that I will have peoples' lives in my hands on a daily basis and fuck, I can hardly handle my own life sufficiently. I would not struggle with the science and technicalities of the job - that's the easy bit - and until recently I had sort of ignored all the people stuff that I would have to learn about to be a good midwife.

The thing is, when I told my mum about wanting to be a midwife she was thrilled. As someone very much involved with maternity studies, she was so excited that I wanted to follow in her footsteps (although not directly) and I really really don't want to break it to her that midwifery might not be for me.

I still have a month to decide what I'm going to do, but I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I might just be having doubts. This might be over by tomorrow. Fuck I wish someone could just give me a sign to tell me what would be best.

I apologise for my atrocious English, but at the moment it's difficult enough to type without having to think about the word vomit I'm producing.

From Sarah.

2 comments:

  1. I'd be trying to work out if I was doing it for my Mother, because it was expected or if I really wanted to (what were your reasons for aspiring towards it before?).

    It's probably one of those things where you won't know unless you try. Change is scary for me, any change, but big change is especially daunting (I have Aspergers too).

    There isn't a right and wrong choice, just two different paths.

    You're scared to mention it to your Mother that midwifery might not be for you, why? She might be able to help more than most other people. My first suggestion would be to attempt to tell her absolutely everything that is worrying you about it.

    Hope that makes some sort of sense. I ramble :)

    Jac.

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    Replies
    1. I have breached the topic with my mum and she thinks that I should accept the place and take the time until then (the course starts in February) to get a job at the hospital, to make sure that it is really what I want to do. To be honest, I can't remember what first got me interested, it was that long ago, but I just felt really at home in the hospital.

      I concur - I think the biggest obstacle for me is change, and I am sure others with Asperger's relate.

      Thank you so much for your message, Jac. It has made me think rationally and I think last night was a panic attack, seeing as I was so sure that I was going to be rejected from this university too. Your advice is much appreciated. (:

      Sarah.

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