Sunday, 26 May 2013

Entry 5

Entry 5

Spinning when feeling tense or overstimulated is a stare-worthy activity and may alienate those present.

Dear Internet,


Spinning is something I do a lot. Rocking is a typical autistic behaviour and, whilst I do rock, both are stims and fall under the umbrella of repetitive behaviour. I've also noticed that I spin a lot at train stations. Probably because it's so loud and crowded and there are weird smells, not to mention the stress of getting the right train at the right time. There are just too many things going on and spinning helps me almost to block out everything going on. It's very calming for me, but apparently not for other people. Several times I've been approached by others waiting on the platform to ask if I'm alright.

From Sarah.

Sunday, 12 May 2013

Entry 4

Entry 4

Flinching at another's touch is often regarded as discourteous or unkind, even if aforementioned flinching is involuntary.

Dear Internet,


This is something that I learned fairly early on. Neurotypical people just don't seem to understand that I'm not being rude, I don't think you're disgusting and I certainly am not doing it just to get at you. It makes me feel uncomfortable when you touch me, especially without permission, and I am under the impression that it is only human to not want to feel uncomfortable. All the same, I do try to explain to people who seem hurt that it isn't anything personal.

From Sarah.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Dear Internet,

I am having a crisis. An actual fucking crisis. I can't breathe and I'm shaking oh shit.

As you probably don't know, I have for many years aspired to be a midwife. I was rejected from four out of five of my university choices (yes, I am that bad at interviews) and I thought that I was very likely going to be rejected from my last one. Until I just got an offer from them.

The fucking brilliant thing is, I have spent all day considering the reality of the job and what that would mean to me (and to others). Meeting one or two new people a day drains me, so what will I be like in a hospital with hundred of people I have never seen before in my life? Not to mention the fact that I will have peoples' lives in my hands on a daily basis and fuck, I can hardly handle my own life sufficiently. I would not struggle with the science and technicalities of the job - that's the easy bit - and until recently I had sort of ignored all the people stuff that I would have to learn about to be a good midwife.

The thing is, when I told my mum about wanting to be a midwife she was thrilled. As someone very much involved with maternity studies, she was so excited that I wanted to follow in her footsteps (although not directly) and I really really don't want to break it to her that midwifery might not be for me.

I still have a month to decide what I'm going to do, but I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I might just be having doubts. This might be over by tomorrow. Fuck I wish someone could just give me a sign to tell me what would be best.

I apologise for my atrocious English, but at the moment it's difficult enough to type without having to think about the word vomit I'm producing.

From Sarah.